I want to stop. I can’t do it any more. There is simply no payback. I’ve given it my best, I’ve really tried, I really have. I’m sick of going to yoga class. I’m tired of getting up every morning at 4:30am and sitting silently on my own reciting words from old books that should have gone out of print decades ago. I’m sick of the food, even more so I am sick of walking into restaurants to pages of a menu and being stuck with Penne a la Carbonara. I’m sick of veggie samosis and cheese rolls in the cafe. I’m just fed up joining people in the cafe and having peppermint tea while everyone else is having big steaming cups of cappuccino.
I sick and tired of meeting people with a poverty consciousness. who talk about money not being important, and yet they are living on the bread line. Did God really want us to live in scarcity while the rest of nature lives in abundance. I’m sick of meeting people who talk about spirituality like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths, and then hearing the great craic they had going out getting pissed at the weekend. Yogi Bhajan called these peoples fakes. Am I a fake too?
I’m sick of seeing cheap website, dodgy blogs, and poorly designed flyers that have the words Yogi Bhajan scrolled across the top, like that’s going to make the rest of the dodgy text suddenly seem ok. I’m sick of words for the sake of words. Comments to get more readers, and posts to keep up with the quota. I’m just tired. Don’t get me wrong. There is no special message here. I just think I got it wrong. I’m sick of people saying they can’t afford to attend workshop x, or invest in product y, and then spend twice the prices on knee jerk reactions, to stop their business going bust, or needless junk. I’m sick of hearing people talk about being strong, and solid and ready to handle the tough times, and yet have not sorted out any of their Karma.
I’m sick of getting up every morning at 4:30 for sadhana, and seeing my life change irreversibly. Losing old friends, and wondering if new friends will keep up. I’m sick of people not being authentic to themselves and therefor not being authentic to me. I’m sick of hearing about people who have ‘make it’ and I say what do you do, and they say “I just sit by the pool all day, and absorb the rays of the sun”. Is that it? Is that what you have given this life for? to sit back and do nothing?
But I’m proud of one man. A man that had changed all this for me. A man who was listened and was willing to learn from everyone around. a man who, like me took on board the teachings, and was willing to do it all, a man who has struggled for years to find a way to live a Dharmic life totally, and who now stands on the edge of the cliff like an Eagle, waiting to soar over the valley. and I see the effect that sharing what I have learnt with this man. And I hear day by day how his newly focussed mind and intellect is cutting through Karma like a laser beam, almost like how years of training suddenly got switched on overnight and the most gracious, charismatic, powerful, and beautiful man appears out of no where. So, no I’m not going to stop. Not for him. I want to watch his progress. He has invited me to meet his Master, and I think the time has come to find my Master. I’m not going to stop, because now I know….
So today, I’m not doing Sadhana. I’m sitting here at 4:30 writing this, with Ardas playing in the background. I’m sitting here with the tears rolling down my cheeks, because, now I get it. Now I know, it’s not about the masses. Guru once said to me that enlightenment is not about saving yourself, it’s about who you bring along for the ride. and Now I get it, we’re not supposed to bring everyone along for the ride. Just the chosen few who will make a difference.
So, I’m going to stop trying to make a difference, because I now know that I have. and in accepting this, I recognize that most will chastise me, will challenge me, and will still keep to their own way. So to those people, I say, I salute you for the amount of struggle you bring to you life, and I respect that your soul wants you to experience what your will experience. so I will keep up, and tomorrow will be day 40 of my 40 day sadhana, and I will finish the cycle. Because it makes a difference, and those that know, well, you already know.. don’t you?
nsy.edbd
